Sorries it's so long, but it's mah journal and I'm terrible at paraphrasing. My journals are like months of condensed topics I ruminated and lived through, so have a seat and a cup of tea if you're that bored to read my ramblings.
I made a Tumblr account, thanks to
it's at sporadic-spirit.tumblr.com
This will be where my future blogs that are like a diary, though I don't record really sad moments because well they only last at most 3 minutes and I worry something is wrong when there isn't. I may sound pessimistic in my blogs but I always try to record solutions and optimism to counter in my blogs. As with many things, I do not update as much due to taking care of my son and being actively involved with my community or family.
Summarize of what my life is right now is that my son is an angel, perfect, but like any child, is reaching the age of being defiant or trying to fight for what he wants. His sleep schedule, health, and learning speed is superb, though, and learns by watching a few times or even once. Yet the ones that someone wants him to do the most, he won't pay attention to them. He is smart enough to troll, because he has no problem doing the action to someone else in front of them. He's been doing this since he was a newborn. He's so independent at times though, I worry that I'm a terrible mom or will miss out on his baby moments. However he knows how to ask me when he actually needs me and I always watch him despite him batting my hand away while he plays with an object or someone else. He really likes to spend quality time with others and figure things out on his own, when he's done with it, he comes running to me and tries to show me what he found out about it or tell me about whoever spent time with him in his baby talk.
My fiance has been unfathomly better at being a friend, boyfriend, husband, and father every day. He didn't only surpassed my lowest standards for dating, but made my standards higher and even exceed at those standards. I feel like I haven't progressed much at my attitude towards him lately, but I am more at peace and calm with my own effort. He notices all the good I do and reassures me daily spontaneously, it keeps the lies in my mind at bay.
I have such a great life and it's hard to talk about everything. No one really wants to read my journal that sounds boastful, plus I rather live in the moment, take videos and pictures, and cherish them. But I do like a record of how happy I am, to always recall and remember these moments best. When time goes slow or I'm bored, that's when it's tough to deal with my life because I begin to remember the past and how insecure I am for the future. I'm still having issues learning how to let go specific parts of my life and not being satisfied with myself to treat myself humanely. I haven't come to terms with that I have been actually bullied by those closest to me, I keep wanting to revert to believe it was only tough love and that it was all my fault so I could believe it would get better if I changed myself. Instead changing myself to be happier and better only kept showing the truth that if they didn't hurt or leave me, I would've left them and they would instead hurt themselves or someone else anyways. I am really pushing myself to finish all my art orders so I can finish this one personal project that hopefully ends a chapter of my past life.
Even if my plights were causing me to feel or act with a mindset of PSTD (without actual the disorder), I do not want to be controlled by them or repeat the story. I am no longer a victim. I don't want to be defined by my problems anymore and pity only made me feel worse. I've learned that I only like talking about it to find out solutions or bounce ideas with people and I have A LOT of methods to work with now that had to been out of the box of the social norm. I also learned there are limited amount of people who have the patience, wisdom, communication skills, and understanding in order to give ideas, some people lack one or the other trait which is critical on teaching someone. So I know how to approach people better now without finding those who are willing to help but only make me feel worse or treat myself more inhumanely. I also seen other people change for the better because I changed, it's pretty magical of how love can really effect people positively. Which is funny because it sounds like the world revolves around me but I actually changed because I saw other people change around me, too, sometimes the same person who confessed I saved their life. I was just returning the favor because they save my life by just existing.